Abandonment Issues

In Nothing We Trust

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I am so tired of being virtually incapable to trust people 100%. But whenever someone says something that I’m not sure is sarcastic or not, I take it to heart, whether I want to or not. Like yesterday, when A said that she loved me, and B said she didn’t, I know she was just joking, but I spent the rest of the day wondering what I had done to make her not like me, and what I could do to fix it. I’ve been friends with these people for three years.If I can’t trust them, who the hell can I trust? I’m constantly worried about insulting people that i usually just end up insulting them worse. So in order to prevent this, i refrain from talking to people I don’t know, and then they get the impression that I’m rude, and cold. Or super shy and sweet, depending on what facial expression I have that day. I figure that this is why I don’t like getting close to people. No way to get hurt. In the four years I’ve lived in this house, none of my friends have ever been inside it, and only three know where it is. They all think my aunt is my mom, and no one knows that I never met my birth dad. And these are my closest friends. You guys who read my blog don’t really get just how much it cost me to keep this blog going after you all figured out about it. The last two times that happened, I deleted them. My pets know the most about me. And not even all of them. Just Jackson. He’s been there for everything, sad as that is. The time I was grounded (for a whole day. Yay discipline.) the day after christmas, he stayed with me the whole time I was being yelled at. He can kind of… sense when I’m uncomfortable, I guess. Those people who say animals don’t have souls are jackasses. There’s more soul in my slutty cat Annabelle then in the whole high school population. And animals don’t have language? *scoff* just because we don’t  understand them doesn’t mean it’s not a language. if that were true, society would collapse, because there is no one language that every single person on Earth understands. There is nothing truly unique about humans, other then our incessant need to belittle each other, and make up things to make ourselves seem most superior. And, yet again, I have strolled off to Ramble, NM. And since it’s a one way trip, I shall continue. Or not. I just sat here for about five minutes trying to think of something smart, witty, yet sensitive to write. I got nothing. Typical.

20 Comments

Filed under Life, school

20 responses to “Abandonment Issues

  1. Is it wrong of us to live our lives through our blogs? It can’t be healthy. This post captured a lot of my own opinions. My readers know more about me than anyone else. I suppose finding a community that accepts you and then clinging to it is normal teen behavior though.
    The first line of this post also applies to me. And I’m sorry, but I’m REALLY bad at actually focusing on someone other than myself. So I’m going to try and say what I feel, and hope you can translate it to yourself. I apologize for that. Anyway. Most of what I’ve gone through in my life has forced me to turn back in on myself. Every time I reach back out into the world, scalding words are thrown onto my skin. So I hide. I’ve folded myself up to tight and small that there’s barely anything left. Sometimes I’m surprised I even have a voice, though I’ve become quieter as the moths go by. I’m shrinking. All I know is, the sun will come up tomorrow, and the flowers bloom in spring.
    And that didn’t make any bit of sense at all. So… have fun translating, lol.

    • Tis okay. I think it’s just a side effect of writing about yourself daily, the focussing on yourself thing. I don’t think I’ve ever written a comment that didn’t have some mini life story of mine in it, unless it’s part of an argument. And I liked the last part. Sounds… mysterious. Well, not really, but i can’t think of the word I meant. Lol.

      • Hahaha I’m not really good at having heart to hearts. I sort of managed to turn that part of my brain off or something. I used to be really good at giving advice. Now I’m so disconnected from the world that it’s impossible. I just hope that someday we both find people who we can trust whole heartedly.
        You know what I just thought of? We’re like Will And Grace. We should be roommates, lol. We could tell each other everything and practically be married, but since I’m gay and you hate sex, nothing would ever happen. It’d be perfect! lol. Except for the fact that I’m slightly insane of course.
        And I think I’m going to use that line as my new sub-header thing.

    • I have family in Italy. I bet if I did a bit of research I could find some family that we could live with for a while.
      Lol. Or we could just save the trouble of looking and snag the REAL Hugh. He wouldn’t mind too much, do you think?
      If we’re going to do some backpacking, we HAVE to go to Prague and Peru and Thailand and the Aztec pyramids. I’m only 16 but if you kidnap me then I could take a bunch of pictures and use it as a part of my senior project, lol. You don’t even need a high school diploma to go to college, so if I leave early, it’s no big deal.
      The only trouble with this plan is, how am I going to manage to blog while we’re gallivanting through the jungles?
      It would be nice to actually see one another lol. I don’t know how my mom would feel about having spent almost $400 on getting my bees and what not, and then having to pay for my trip around the world though.

      • I have a laptop we could share. Though, we’d be stopping at just about every coffee shop that offers free wifi, with the amount of posting we both do. I bet our views would sky rocket, though. How many teenagers travel the world virtually alone and blog about it? Gasp! And all the amazing shoes I’d be able to get! *sigh* That’s all you really need in life; good shoes, good food, and good friends.

      • Food and coffee sound really good right now… We should try and get starbucks to sponsor us! If we stopped at starbucks everyday along our travels, we could post on our blogs and mention starbucks on them. We’d be traveling the world and spreading the joys of coffee addiction at the same time. Think of the lives we could improve!

  2. Lol… I just snorted. Aloud. In the middle of class. Well done, good sir. And have you never read my blog? I am just as, if not more insane then you. Silly face. When I was little I always loved Will and Grace. And I have come up with a brilliant plan. Once one of us is just completely, 100% done with living at home, they will inform the other, and then we will both leave, and meet up somewhere in the middle. You go down, I’ll go up. And then we will do the slow motion run towards each other thing, but, being us, will either trip, run into someone else, or just stand there awkwardly. And then we’d just travel. No stopping anywhere permanently, no giving up and going home. Just you, me, and the Glee playlist i will eventually upload onto my phone. And then, five years or so down the road, you will meet a nice gorgeous gay boy and fall in super deep love, and I will find out how to clone Johnny Depp, and we will all live happily ever after, the end! And BTW, I am so happy I spelt gorgeous right on the first go. Never happens. Then again, i just added an ‘e’ to happens. Awesome.

    • Hahahahaha. Yay, mission accomplished!
      Hahaha. I’d trip and stumble into someone. Just because I’m THAT awkward.
      I would love to travel the world with you! We’d have so much fun! We could go to Greece and just sit and rate the guys all day! And Paris for the food! My mom might even pay for the trip if I tell her it’s a school thing.
      Hahaha, if you figure out how to clone people, we’d be rich! Then we could just travel for ever and ever. And Johnny 2 could get us into all the awesome parties and best restaurants.

      • We’d also have to go to Italy, and eat. But not too much, or we’ll just blow up like balloons. Then maybe a pit stop in Australia, see if we can’t catch us a Hugh Jackman lookalike. Or maybe even a Heath Ledger lookalike for me! And as for my plans about after school? I have not gotten any closer to making a solid decision yet. In fact, I may have regressed a wee bit. I might just do what my uncle’s sister did, and backpack for a while. Course, I have no one to do it with, so I guess I’m just going to have to kidnap you. How close are you to 18? If it’s not too long after I graduate, I’ll just wait for you. Because I know most of this is just joking around, but I honestly think It’d do us both a load of good, being around someone who knows you best, but isn’t two states away and stuff. The more I think about it too, the more I realize that we could do it. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s planning. The follow-through, not so much, but still. So it’s decided then. Cause I’d really like to be able to give my best friend a hug that isn’t virtual.

  3. Jounouchi Katsuya

    You have no idea how thoroughly amusing you two are. Lol. And I love you Amber. Nothing can change that. Never forget that fact, or I’ll have to remind you. To prove I love you, as soon as I’m done reading my other 5 books I’m currently reading, I’ll start up on the Harry Potter series again. And if you like, we could go see “Vampires Suck”. 🙂 Sound good?

    • ha! Have you seen the previews for that? Looks so funny. And I love you too, Jamie H! Just like the haiku says.

      • Omg I want to see that movie so bad! I saw a commercial for it today and it looked awesome. Unfortunately, I don’t really have any twilight hating friends like you so going wouldn’t be fun.
        You two are mean for flaunting your plans in front of my face… from three (maybe four… or five?) states away. lol.

      • Jounouchi Katsuya

        I love you too! No, I haven’t seen any previews for it. I didn’t know it existed until Thursday or Friday.

      • I think it’ll be rather funny. It’ll be about as good as a scary movie, but just stupidly funny enough to make you smile. And it will continue to prove how stupid twilight is.

  4. It’s only two states away, if you go a certain direction. Think anyone would notice if you snuck out and went with us?

  5. http://irrelevantnothings.wordpress.com

    1.Amber, do not make me go out on an emotional rant.
    2. willow shouldn’t just sneak out I think we should dramatically kidnap him 🙂 That would be so much more fun.
    3. AND I DID NOT KNOW JOUNOUCHI WAS JAMIE :O

  6. hey Jamie *not so saucy wink* I’m good. How has your weekend been?

  7. Jounouchi Katsuya

    Well, I did two days worth if homework so I could run errands with my Dad today, but low and behold, the company sold the product out from under us, so I was all pumped to go to Phoenix today, and now my plans are ruined. 😦

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