A Survey from The Institution

  1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. “Now, after you have the crab unconscious, lay the noodles gently across it’s stomach.”
  2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? Nothing since I’m in a straight jacket
  3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Sniffing my shoes.
  4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? We’re not allowed to watch TV since one time I saw Billy Mays was dead and I screamed until Jabba the Hutt’s hair fell out.
  5. Without looking, guess what time it is I don’t know what time is.
  6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? We’re not allowed to have clocks here
  7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? The Q-Tips up my nose are starting to complain
  8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? I’ve never been outside.
  9. Did you dream last night? I don’t sleep.
  10. Do you remember your dreams? I don’t dream.
  11. When did you last laugh? Like three seconds ago
  12. Do you remember why / at what? Jabba the Hut stood in his head.
  13. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Cotton balls.
  14. Seen anything weird lately? I saw this girl talking to a tree once. (She was me)
  15. What do you think of this quiz? I like it like I like scrunchies.
  16. What is the last film you saw? How to Braid Squirrel Fur
  17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? A cupboard in the kitchen downstairs.
  18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? I would buy a never ending supply of cat leashes.
  19. Tell me something about you that most people don’t know. My nose hair is blue.
  20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? There would be more bilingual fish
  21. Do you like to dance? I like to dance when Jabba the Hut hums songs about paper.
  22. Would you ever consider living abroad? I’m not allowed to leave the institution
  23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams? WATER BOTTLE
  24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone? Jabba the Butt telling me the squirrel sanctuary downstairs is changing colors.
  25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? I’m not allowed to download anything anymore since one time I downloaded this game called “Download This and We’ll Steal All Your Money and Life and Relatives”
  26. Last time you swam in a pool? We’re not allowed to swim since one time I got a straw and drank all the water.
  27. Type of music you like most? Songs involving zebras, fish, or water bottles named Puddles.
  28. Type of music you dislike most? Songs not involving zebras, fish, or water bottles named Puddles.
  29. Are you listening to music right now? I’m listening to Jabba the Butt sing my favorite song, “Zebra, Why Are the Fish Talking to Me?”
  30. What color is your bedroom carpet? We’re not allowed to have carpet.
  31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? I would put windows on the floor.
  32. What was the last thing you bought? I’m not allowed to buy anything anymore.
  33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? No but somtimes Jabba the Butt gives me a piggy back ride and says “VROOM”
  34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? No I’m afraid of wind.
  35. Do you have a garden? The institution does, but we’re not allowed to touch anything because the garden has barbed wire over it.
  36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Of course. Jabba the Butt taught them to me when we were trying to climb the stop sign down the street.
  37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Toe hair.
  38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? Billy Mays.
  39. Who sent the last text message you received? Jabba the Butt telling me it’s time for the frogs to jump out of the vents.
  40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I’m not allowed to have a credit card anymore since I spent $798.96 on Shamwows.
  41. What time is bed time? It’s supposed to be 5PM but I haven’t slept since I was six.
  42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I’m not allowed to be in pageants anymore since I knocked JT over with a watermelon when he won Best Toenails.
  43. How many tattoos do you have? I have a tattoo made of hair on the wall.
  44. If you don’t have any, have you ever thought of getting one? I’ve thought of painting Jabba the Butt on my wall with spit.
  45. What did you do for your last birthday? We celebrate birthdays here everyday.
  46. Do you carry a donor card? I’m not allowed to donate anything since I ate that tub of ink.
  47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? Jabba the Butt
  48. Is the glass half empty or half full? By glass do you mean my nose?
  49. What’s the farthest-away place you’ve been? I’ve been to the big white cushy room one time!
  50. When’s the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? We aren’t allowed to grow anything anymore since Jabba the Butt started sniffing potatoes.
  51. Have you ever won a trophy? I won a trophy for Hair That Smelled the Most Like Bird Poop.
  52. Are you a good cook? I’m not allowed to cook anymore since my cat ended up in the casserole.
  53. Do you know how to pump your own gas? I only pump gas out of my butt.
  54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? Billy Mays.
  55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? I only wear a straight jacket.
  56. Do you touch-type? I’m not allowed to touch anything anymore.
  57. What’s under your bed? A couple blenders I snuck in when nobody was looking. And a stack of stamps from 1990.
  58. Do you believe in love at first sight? I’m not allowed to be in love anymore.
  59. Think fast, what do you like right now? I like stickers. But I’m not allowed to have them anymore.
  60. Where were you on Valentine’s day? I don’t celebrate arctic holidays.
  61. What time do you get up? I don’t sleep in the first place.
  62. What was the name of your first pet? My only pet is my stuffed water bottle named Puddles.
  63. Who is the second to last person to call you? I’m not allowed to use the phone.
  64. Is there anything going on this weekend? The institution is having a tea party and we’re allowed to bring all our imaginary friends!  Should be a total rager!
  65. How are you feeling right now? Like a zebra just kicked me in my left ear.
  66. What do you think about the most? Why hair tastes like fish poop covered in glue.
  67. What time do you get up in the morning? I never sleep in the first place.
  68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people? I’m not allowed to buy lottery tickets anymore.
  69. Who would you tell first? If I did win the lottery I would probably tell my pigeon therapist.
  70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? How to Cook Chili Underwater
  71. Do you sing in the shower? I don’t shower.
  72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I put the only credit card I’ve ever seen in a blender and shredded it so I’m not allowed to have those anymore.
  73. What do you do most when you are bored? I stick Q-Tips up my nose.
  74. What do you do for a living? I shred plastic in a blender.
  75. Do you love your job? I’m not allowed to have a job.
  76. What did you want to be when you grew up? I’m not allowed to grow up.
  77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? A candy striper or jellyfish whisperer
  78. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Bubbles
  79. How many keys on your key ring? I’m not allowed to have keys anymore.
  80. Where would you retire to? A cupboard. One with a window is ideal.
  81. What kind of car do you drive? I prefer horse and buggy. Like Amish people do.
  82. What are your best physical features? My feet. I have 12 toes and they’re all blue because I like to walk in the snow without shoes.
  83. What are your best characteristics? My ability to stuff myself in small places. Like shoes.
  84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? I would want to sit on the world’s biggest spoon.
  85. What kind of books do you like to read? I don’t read, I only look at the pictures and imagine what it says.
  86. Where would you want to retire to? A shoe would be nice.
  87. What is your favorite time of the day? 5:56PM
  88. Where did you grow up? The 63rd floor of the institution.
  89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? I was born in the institution and I still live here now.
  90. What are you reading now? How to Talk to Bilingual Australians
  91. Are you a morning person or a night owl?   I am an afternoon panda.
  92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Are you kidding me? Here at the institution we have whole competitions to see who can pick their nose with their tongue the fastest.
  93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? I singed my eyebrows off when I liked an electrical outlet last week.
  94. Do you have pets? I have a pet water bottle named Puddles.
  95. How many rings before you answer the phone? Our phones here don’t ring because Jabba the Nut screams when he hears a phone…
  96. What is your best childhood memory? One time I got stuck in a phone booth and then a pink zebra asked me to be its friend and then we went to Africa and we met his family and then we went bowling and then they used their time machine to put me back in the phone booth.
  97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? I like to pretend I make bilingual plastic penguins
  98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? I just potty trained Puddles
  99. What is most important in life? Blenders
  100. What Inspires You? Bilingual tupperware


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3 responses to “A Survey from The Institution

  1. Lily

    Hahahaha aren’t I just a hoot?

  2. LOL. I think this just made my day a little bit less cold! LOL

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