Category Archives: school

Abandonment Issues

In Nothing We Trust

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I am so tired of being virtually incapable to trust people 100%. But whenever someone says something that I’m not sure is sarcastic or not, I take it to heart, whether I want to or not. Like yesterday, when A said that she loved me, and B said she didn’t, I know she was just joking, but I spent the rest of the day wondering what I had done to make her not like me, and what I could do to fix it. I’ve been friends with these people for three years.If I can’t trust them, who the hell can I trust? I’m constantly worried about insulting people that i usually just end up insulting them worse. So in order to prevent this, i refrain from talking to people I don’t know, and then they get the impression that I’m rude, and cold. Or super shy and sweet, depending on what facial expression I have that day. I figure that this is why I don’t like getting close to people. No way to get hurt. In the four years I’ve lived in this house, none of my friends have ever been inside it, and only three know where it is. They all think my aunt is my mom, and no one knows that I never met my birth dad. And these are my closest friends. You guys who read my blog don’t really get just how much it cost me to keep this blog going after you all figured out about it. The last two times that happened, I deleted them. My pets know the most about me. And not even all of them. Just Jackson. He’s been there for everything, sad as that is. The time I was grounded (for a whole day. Yay discipline.) the day after christmas, he stayed with me the whole time I was being yelled at. He can kind of… sense when I’m uncomfortable, I guess. Those people who say animals don’t have souls are jackasses. There’s more soul in my slutty cat Annabelle then in the whole high school population. And animals don’t have language? *scoff* just because we don’t  understand them doesn’t mean it’s not a language. if that were true, society would collapse, because there is no one language that every single person on Earth understands. There is nothing truly unique about humans, other then our incessant need to belittle each other, and make up things to make ourselves seem most superior. And, yet again, I have strolled off to Ramble, NM. And since it’s a one way trip, I shall continue. Or not. I just sat here for about five minutes trying to think of something smart, witty, yet sensitive to write. I got nothing. Typical.

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Movies in My Head

Oprah Winfrey Show title card

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Did you know that not everyone can picture what they’re reading as they’re reading it? I learned that recently. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t automatically picture the thing I was reading about. Is that why people don’t read? Because they only see words? Do people also not make up stories in their heads when they’re bored? God, I don’t know how anyone can handle that! No reading, no imagination… What’s the fun in life if all you have are songs with loud beats to overcompensate for the lack of a story, And movies, because you couldn’t come up with something like that in your mind? Man, I have a bunch of skills that will never help me in the future, don’t I? Instead of doing math at 4, I learned how to read. Instead of being able to keep a deadline, I can read books in a day, usually less. I have a killer imagination, but I will only be able to share that with people who enjoy reading, which is about an 8th of this stupid country’s population. And our country is stupid. We only read if a book is being made into a movie, is super short, or has an Oprah sticker on the cover. And even then, we need pointless things like the Kindle, because we’d rather read a book off of a small screen, burning out our pupils, but can’t handle reading a paper book, where the most damage you can expect is a paper cut, unless someone hits you in the head with one. Like, our school is very book-oriented (entertainment wise), and even then, our library is tiny, kids only read books about vampires and the like, and some of my very best friends don’t like to read. And don’t even get me started on manga. The story lines would make great books, but are watered down to about a thousand words, and a bunch of pictures. I greatly dislike having to fear the day when books are just… gone.

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Improving My Talents in Bed… What?

Yeah, so there’s this kid on my bus, a junior, I think, and he has come to the conclusion that since I was reading a book on my phone that had one, ONE sex scene, I am learning how to be better in bed. Huh. He’s not a super close friend, so he doesn’t know about my vow to never have sex (Hey, funny thought. What if God is just playing with us with all the no lying, killing, etc, and all we really have to do to get into heaven is die a virgin? Just a thinkling.) and I can’t really hold that against him, but still. Even if I was doing that, would I really be doing it on the bus… on my phone… sitting next to someone? No, I would not. On another note, I really like drama. The class, not the one universal flaw all humans share. I wish I had gotten into it earlier, though. But at the same time, if I had started back in Freshmen year, I wouldn’t have all the amazing friends I have now. In some ways, I think I’m closest to my Drama friends. I can tell when they’re upset, or when they’re having an off day… It’s gotten to the point where I think a few of us are even on the same cycle. I dread leaving all this next year. And for what? A degree I’ll never use? A crappy apartment in the same city I’ve lived in for years? It just seems like, after 13 years of having every day of my life planned out, and having each day end relatively well, I’m scared of going off into the world, completely unprepared. Oh, if only I could just hide away from the world in the middle of a place with trees, weather, and no one else around for miles, and just write. And oh, to never have to hear my sisters guffawing about chest hair a few feet away from me. *sigh* Well, a girl can dream.

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Tomorrow’s Leader’s Debates of Today

These are the kinds of discussions the future of the world has on a daily basis. We're sorry, humanity.

Kyle- Aww, he's all out of candy!

Me- yeah, Trici ate the last one. And it's a girl.

Kyle- Oh. What's her name?

Me- *blank stare* It's a Pez.

Kyle- So? It's still a stuffed animal.

Me- Where is the stuffed-ness?

Kyle- It's stuffed with candy.

Me- Not anymore.

Kyle- Well, it was!

Me- Well, he doesn't get one!

Kyle- I thought it was a girl?

Me- …yeah… I said that.

Kyle- How can you even tell? It's doesn't have any… stuff.

Me- There's nothing dangling, so I think we're safe in the assumption that it is a girl.

Kyle- If you gave it a name it'd be more clear.

Me- Hush your face.

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What Keeps Me Up at Night

The reason I am so jittery throughout the day.

I am kept away from the wonder that is sleep by the same thing that keep my grandma awake. No, not hourly bathroom trips. Books. No matter what, I stay up almost all night reading them, searching for ones I plan on reading, or jotting down story lines for that book that I will one day write. I’ve always been like that, though. I get these weird obsessions and I just run with them. For all for eight grade I was convinced that i was going to be a famous artist, and spent hours pouring over a sketch book I found in the garage, trying to decide if I was going to play it safe, and use a cheapie crayon, or if I was going to splurge, and use a Crayola. I won’t even get into the full three months I thought my born purpose was to become a professional balldancer! (Sadly, this phase was much more recent then it should have been. Yay denial!!) I suspect, however, that it won’t be long until i am no longer kept up by books, but because of them. Because when I undoubtably procrastinate so much that I am writing a ten page paper in twelve hours, aided only by three Starbucks Double Shots and sheer force of will, it will be because I ‘only had one more page/chapter/book’. Seriously, if there was a way to pass school just reading and writing, I’d do it. But no. we must focus on things we will never use ( unless we’re planning on being engineers, which most aren’t) like Math, and Science. And while crap programs like football and friggin’ golf aren’t effected at all by the huge budget cuts, all of the arts are in danger of being cut. The arts are more useful then any sport, bar none. The number of theatre students that pursue their career and are successful is much higher then that of sports professionals. Especially ones from tiny, no name schools like ours. Hmm. Off topic. A sign I should go to bed. But will I? No. Gotta finish my book.

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Proof That Arizona Does Have Weather Other Then Boiling Heat- Yay Monsoons!!!

This right here is some of the only proof that Arizona has weather. Yesterday’s clouds were prettier, but I couldn’t get a good shot of any of them. This was taken right after school, at about 3:45pm. If weather was like this all the time, but not humid, i would be in heaven. Some people, however, are not like this. some kids were even wearing sweaters and huddled up like it was cold. if it was winter, that’d be one thing, but it isn’t. it’s summer, and huddling up is probably making it worse. Sweater Weather is when it is below seventy degrees for more then three days, in my opinion.

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Screwy Schedule

Once, just once, I’d like to have a school schedule that wasn’t completely messed up. I’m in a Junior Advisory Base, my dear, beloved computer, UberBitch, has been ‘upgraded’ to who I will now refer to as SlutBag, and for some reason, I’m taking Yearbook. I hate yearbook. A lot. The only respite i get is Drama, and this year I have it 5th period, instead of 1st, like last year. Having it first gave me the will to suffer through the rest of the day. Now I have to wait until after lunch. Grr… But, on the very slight upside, I get to blog now, I get to write, and I get to IMDB. Yay!!! No more sneaking blog posts or comments on my aunt’s computer at 3 in the morning! No more trying to check my email on a tiny phone. Also, my foot is totally asleep. Yay… On that note, or not, it’s my devil spawn of a sister’s first day of high school today. I think she’s cursed, because someone threw up on the bus this morning. I take pride in the fact that our bus has never had an accident for as long as I’ve been riding it, and then she comes along and ruins my streak.

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The Joys of Procrastinating Parents

First off, I spelt that right on the first try, and misspelt ‘spelt’ twice. How’s that for consistency? Second, so SO sorry about the long absence. The only internet access I have is via my tiny phone. I can’t even text without it taking forever, so imagine how long a whole blog post would take??? But, it’s 1am, family is sleeping or at work, so here I am, breaking my vow to never use this computer for blogging, just so I can contact my lovelies. Normally I’d say something about how only I could hold off blogging until two days before school starts up again, and we get our computers, but… just guess what didn’t happen. The title of this post should be a hint. My aunt ( lovely, obliging girl that she is) didn’t register me or my sister for school when it was time to, so now she’s fumbling around at the very last minute, trying to get us registered in time for Friday. Yeah… UGH!!! It’s not even the fact that I want to go to school, cause I don’t. I plan on leaving home ASAP, writing a few books, and becoming independently wealthy. Or leaving home ASAP, getting all the stuff you need to live on your own (IE; license, job, home, etc) and then, after a few years of struggling to make it, find a good man (as is: nonfiction, straight, strong enough to carry me when i’m tired) and relying on his substantial wealth. But mostly, I just want to be… done, you know? No more sitting through hours of useless classes, fights, and sob-fests when they aren’t going to make any difference. I was doomed from he second I walked into first period freshman year.

No one who goes from a crappy, low budget TUSD school to a small, fully computerized school that wants you to learn is going to make that transition nicely. I handled crappy city schooling better then I do Empire. And, let’s face it, I liked being a smart kid. I was in advanced classes throughout most of middle school, all of elementary school; I was in the advanced 8th grade english class when i was in 6th grade. I had a college reading comprehension. Now I’m retaking a bunch of classes I could have passed easily, I have this underlying desire to leave now, and never look back (coincidentally, I have this underlying fear of what me leaving home now would do to the rest of my family. read, my youngest sister, my cousins, and my cats.) So, while I am sitting here, whining to all of you about how I don’t care about school anymore, I’m also whining about how as of right now, this very second, I don’t attend a high school. Hey, I never once said it made sense. It’s just what I think and feel. I’ve been doing this a lot, recently. Just saying (or thinking about saying) what I feel, regardless of how it makes people think of me, or who it hurts. Then again, I’ve also been contemplating the meaning of life, to the point where I question why we do the things we do to become successful when in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. At all. If all of the people in the world who’ve done nothing but good dropped dead, life would go on. ultimately, nothing would change. Huh. I have no idea how that ties into my original post topic.

Eh, not the first time that’s happened. And most likely, not the last, either. I think I am slightly (or maybe it’s moderately) hypochondriac-tic. Not sure if that’s a word, but who cares. I keep having these random bouts of abdominal pain, but I’ve done so much WebMD-ing, that even if I did actually have a disease or illness, or whatever, I would just think I was imagining it. Although, If I ever need to write an essay on appendicitis or intestinal blockage, I would ace it. Wanna know something gross, that if my sister ever read this, she would just die of embarrassment??? I think, a few hours ago, I heard her… ‘taking care of’ herself (to paraphrase Scrubs). or singing. I’d imagine they sound similar. Grody, no? I don’t get how anyone could do that to themselves, let alone let someone else do it to them. Sorry Jamie, but it’s yet another mini-rant about the utter grossness of sex. It’s like in that one movie with the guy with the face thing, cause of how he was born ( i forget names) and Sandra Bullock, and they don’t have sex ever in the future, they just put in an order and get a baby invitro-ed? that’s how I think it should be. it might sound naive, and a little prudish, but look at it this way: no sex, no rape. No sex, no accidental pregnancies. No sex, no emotionally scarred kids walking into their parents room… during. Ugh. ‘Nuff said. Anyhoo, It’s now 1:44am, I am extremely tired, I may not be going to school come friday morning, and I think someone is trying to break into my house. Or it’s windy outside. So goodnight, I love you all, and I sincerely hope to ‘see’ you all on Friday.

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Filed under blog, Home, Life, school

Things I Should Have Posted About DAYS Ago

Prom- boils down to: crappy music, good food, limos, awkward dresses, and accusations of drinking alcohol upon returning home.

Yearbook- boils down to: way too small, 21 pages for sports, one for drama, misspelled names, wrong classes (ie, juniors being listed as freshmen.)

Gremmies- boils down to: might not be going, might go, might be performing, might win an award.

Previous post- boils down to: Robert Downey Jr. my first multicultural search term. that isn’t in espanol, anyways.

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Ahh! I Abandoned You Again!!!

Sorry about yet another long absence. I’ve been really busy, what with prom preparations, homework, and life in general. I do actually have a lot to say, though, so be prepared to read a long jumble of words that barely make sense. 1st on the list, prom. Oh, the… wonder that is prom. I am both extremely excited for it, and worried about it. It’s this Saturday, and I still have so much to do. I’m breaking in my heels right now, so I don’t get blisters, I still need to have my dress’ sleeves adjusted, I need to figure out what to do with my hair, I need to get directions to E’s house, which is where the limo is picking us up, I need to find a purse that goes with my dress, and on top of all that, Finals are approaching, so I need to study like mad if I plan on graduating any time soon. Tomorrow’s a half day, though, so I can knock out most of that stuff soon. Which is good. I plan on spending all of Saturday getting ready. It’s only junior prom, but it’s A- the first high school dance I’ve been to, and B- The first dance i’ve been to in three years. So of course I have all my usual doubts and fears: what if I didn’t pay enough to ride in the limo, what if I forget my phone, what if they leave without me, what if I get lost, etc. I know I’m overreacting, but it’s what i do. So sue me. And, as M is gloating about, I don’t… exactly… hate her weird Korean Rappy Poppy Crap. They have one, ONE good song. That’s it. But, gloat, she does. And to think, this is the girl I’m going to prom with. *sigh* what a world we live in… what a world… Oh, and God? If you’re reading this, if you give me my period on prom, I will find you. I will hurt you. I will make you watch Twilight. Then, I’ll make you read it. So watch yourself, you hear? *snaps finger in typical angry black woman fashion*

Edit- Hmm… in retrospect, not a very long post. Lucky you.

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