Tag Archives: Funny

Proof That Not All Celebrities Are Boring Assholes

I love Josh Groban. I hate Twitter. Still hate Twitter, but I love Josh even more! Read these and you will too.

Acting older is the new acting younger.

Alright alright….so Jack Lalanne and Ron Popeil team up for….The Juice Dehydrator!

Today, as an acting exercise I want everyone to pretend they’re Susan Boyle for 15 minutes.

Getting the peepers checked. I hate when they blow the air on your eyeball…I feel like confessing something.

If i had a nickel today for every “great, one more time but this time with mutes!”…I’d be 15 cents richer.

Came back from lunch and the ghost in my house had turned on Bridezillas. grrl you bettah keep the sheet off because if i find you iss ovah

I decided that halftime was a good opportunity to run uphill for 30 minutes in a sweatsuit. I chest bumped my imaginary coach.

(me smart) I have ventured into the 600’s of my directv to catch the USC game. Glad I’m here now but its going to be a bitch getting back.

When dancing, feel free to double-time that sh*t when the mood is right. But never triple time. Heads fly right off.

To any fan who’s made a site for me devoted to bickering, negativity, and disrespect…I have built for you a time machine. shiny!

Gopher checking out the show. He’s not shy and he’s never hungry. Hoarding vegan crumbs for winter.

Someone left a hustler magazine on my front door. How’s your night?

Today, just to keep things interesting, I’ve decided my wheaten terrier Sweeney is now Squeakers the Giant Hamster. Plastic ball in works…

…my great grandfather louise was a tenor! had no idea! she sent me on my way with a book of yiddish theater songs. score!! (Louis, not Louise….family tree wasn’t THAT interesting)

I do have to remember everytime I say “hell” or “damn” on here how many times I will be scolded by elementary school tweechers.

Goodnight,Ave Maria sheet music, Goodnight newsie hat, Goodnight buffalo picture, goodnight old iphone case, Goodnight sham wow infomercial.

goodnight, bagel chips. goodnight, empty nazonex box. goodnight, Buddha cup from Benihanas. Goodnight, Jabberwocky. I’m not scared of you.

I will now study this matter for another hour or so to research how it could have happened. night night! all porn that has been posted on my message board tonight by outlandish hooligans will be taken down promptly.

Before Facebook, I was so CLUELESS as to when highschool friends were having birthday parties! Now, I’m all over that–shut yo mouth!

I guess Shia LaBeouf thinks his action figure looks like me. I wonder if he saw it and went “no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO!”

generally if i google a question and there isn’t even remotely an answer, i’ve really been overthinking the whole damn thing. deep thoughts.

I dunno…what the heck are YOU doing, twitter?? huh? you wanna go??!!

Doubt…is a riveting….cinematic…tale of decep….deception…and…oh god….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Aw my dog just brought me a sock that was on the floor for fathers day.

If we’re ever at a party together and you can’t find me, check the farthest back corner

You in love yet?

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Filed under Music

i found this and agree full on!!

This was one of my favorite press conferences of all time. The one thing about doing interviews, is that normally people want to talk about what they have done. You give them a chance and they’ll go on and on about it, which is great because that’s what we’re looking for. Keanu Reeves is a man of very few words, but when he speaks he’s brilliant.

Lol... Probably!

Lol... Probably!

I got the impression from Keanu that he really doesn’t give a fuck about what he says or how he’s perceived. Hell, he’s Keanu Reeves! The press hounds him, he has received less than great reviews on some (many) of his performances, and yet he has continued to work steadily for two decades in one of the most cut-throat industries and is one of the highest paid actors of all time. So yeah I kind of agree with his, ‘you can all go fuck yourselves I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing’ demeanor. At least the man is consistent!

To add to that, he gave one of my all time favorite answers to a question. Often at a press conference you get some pointless questions, but rarely do you get such a great retort.

Question: Keanu, this film is all about change, is there something about you you’d like to change about yourself?

At this point Keanu crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair and said completely deadpan…

KR: No, I’m perfect.

Everyone laughed and waited for him to continue, but he just sat back with a blank stare until everyone became uncomfortable and the conference moved on.

How brilliant is that?!

(this isn’t mine at all, i found it at some website and just had to post it!)

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Filed under Movies

Funnier Then Shit!!

we read this in english today… i dare to read it and not laugh out loud!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. .? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dummy,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor… A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S…. My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

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Filed under school

dog? what dog?

att2145290-4234-1-_tplqcan you find the dog in the picture??? lol… so cute

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Filed under Life